The Dreaded Post

Yes, it's been a long time since I've posted. It's because I've been procrastinating.  Seriously, who wants to blog about their mom dying?  Not this girl.  So I've been putting it off, but I do miss blogging and have lots to share, so I think it's time to bite the bullet and get it over with.  Mom died on December 19th of colon cancer.  She was diagnosed in May.  We remained hopeful of recovery until the fall.  It was a long grueling battle and she won.  She got the ultimate prize: rest with Jesus; complete sanctification.  To live is Christ, to die is gain.  She told me at Thanksgiving that she had tried her best to teach me how to live and now she was going to do her best to teach me how to die honorably.  And she did.  This is the last picture I took of her:

Yes, the photo is a little photoshopped.  I softened things up.  Mom was all for wrinkle softening...

Know what she's doing?  She's reading a book to Seth about dying.  She made it through without crying through only the help of the Holy Spirit, I'm sure.  What an amazing woman!  Seth seemed to think it was normal book time with Grammy.  Kids are so blissfully unaware sometimes.  On the other hand, his faith amazes me in its simplicity.  I have been a little concerned over his lack of reaction to Grammy's death.  He gets frustrated easily, but other than at the funeral, he hasn't cried.  So I was worried he was bottling things up.  The other day I talked to him and said, "Seth, you know it's okay to be sad that she's gone.  It's okay to cry or have bad days."  He looked at me, truly confused, and said, "Why would I be sad?  She's in heaven.  That's totally awesome!  She's with Jesus and Samuel, and Grandpa Bennett, and Grandear..." and he just went on and on about the adventures she was probably having.  And while I understand that the duality of  grieving her and being happy for her is fine and logical, his attitude really impressed me.

I saw people I hadn't seen in years at the services - so many people who love us and have impacted our lives.  It was wonderful to see them and such a shame that the only time all those people come together are weddings and funerals, and the family doesn't have enough time to visit with everyone at either!  It has been great to see so much of my family too.  What a blessing, and a rarity (and great parenting) that we all are healthy (emotionally), have healthy marriages and kids and all genuinely enjoy each other's company.  We love Chuck and are so grateful for him.  Things could have been really tense over Thanksgiving and the last 2 weeks when we were all there on and off.  But everything went smoothly and I was able to stay with her until the end.  I was asleep when she passed and so was Chuck.  Hospice told us that is the way people usually go - they want a little privacy at the end and tend to slip away when people leave the room!

I have so so so many flaws which I could list, but questioning God is not usually one of them.  But I am sorry to say I did that a little the day before she passed.  In a nutshell, we expected her to pass sooner than she did, and the thought that she was hanging on suffering was more than I thought I could bear.  So I had a little talk with God, and here's how it went down, very paraphrased (I couldn't remember an exact quote to save my life...):

me: Lord, Please take her.  Why haven't you taken her?  What can the purpose be?  I mean, I'm not questioning you...
Holy Spirit: Aren't you, though?
me: Just because I question doesn't mean I don't have faith
Holy Spirit: doesn't it?
me: Dang it! (because I know it's true).  I just don't understand...
Holy Spirit:  His ways are not your ways...
me:  But I can't do this!  It's too much!  I can't take it anymore!
Holy Spirit:  His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness... (in the tune of the Accapella song, if you must know)
me: Dang it!
Holy Spirit:  Trust His timing
me:  Fine! (sulkily).  Okay, okay, I'm trusting you.

And then I did.  I actively chose to put my faith in Him on this matter.  It's an action verb, not a state of being.  And then I was filled with his peace.  I felt soooo much better after my "Come to Jesus" talk.  Why do I think I know anything about anything?  Of course God had a plan.  He hadn't forgotten her.  And he took her home less than a day later.  And I was filled with such a profound sense of relief.  I am grieving.  I miss her and I have some bad days and feel pretty sorry for myself.  But mostly, I am relieved.  She's happy and healthy.  I'm not sure what prompted me to share that with you, it's confession time I guess!  Thank you for all the cards, flowers, text, phone calls, and love you have sent my way.  I really appreciate it.  I love the encouragement and have sorely needed it!  Many update posts coming soon!

Weekend in Salado... and chair redo

The weekend after we found out about Mom's news, I got to spend the weekend in Salado with my dearest friends from Kaufman, Stefanie (on the right) and Crystal.  We had set it up months ago and, as always, God's timing was perfect.  It was exactly what I needed!  We slept in.  We laughed, we shopped, we cried (every good Girl Weekend has that, right?)....

We tried on awful wigs...

We ate wonderful food.  I just basked in their company.  And we missed Debbie, who couldn't come!  I am so happy here in San Antonio, but I really wish they would move here...

I also refinished some chairs for Kelly.  Here is the before:

And after:

 The chairs were previously black, with white primer underneath.  With chalk paint you don't have to strip anything first, so when you distress and the layers show through, it just adds character.

 Really pleased with the way it turned out!

Redemption Refinishing

This is the China hutch I refinished for my friend Brittany.  I LOVE the way it turned out.  I have decided to open a small business refinishing furniture for people and selling refinished furniture on etsy and craigslist.  I have no qualms about buying furniture, redoing it, and charging what I feel appropriate.  I find it a little trickier deciding what to charge people to refinish what is already theirs.  So, a very wise friend explained that I should do a project for a friend and charge them minimum wage by the hour and that how little I make would give me an idea how much my time and skill are really worth.  So, I love Brittany and I really would have done it for free, but I asked her to pay me minimum wage and this was a very educational experience for me!  I'm definitely worth more than minimum wage...

This mirror was fun to work on because I tried Annie Sloan Chalk Paints.  LOVE Them!  Pricey, but you make up the money because it requires no prep work.  No sanding!  No stripping!  So easy to distress.  I will definitely be using them in the future.

Here it is finished.  I did one coat of Paris Grey topped with two coats of Old White, then distressed and waxed it.

The problem with sanding a piece down that you want distressed is that it takes all the imperfections away that would look awesome once it was distressed.  So this mirror has a lot of character because I didn't have to sand it to make the paint stick.

My business's name is Redemption Refinishing.  A friend came up with the name and I like the idea that I'm taking tired, worn furniture and giving it a new life.  Yesterday I got a tax number, business cards, an etsy shop, and drew up plans for a shed for me to work in.  I have several projects already in line.  I am so excited to have found something I love doing and could actually make money from!  I will share the etsy shop's link when I've posted something for sale on there.

From the Fire

     Tonight was the prayer vigil for my mom and I would like to wholeheartedly thank all those that prayed for her. Kyle, Chuck, and I have spent the evening praying over her, loving on her, and singing to her.  Just cherishing every minute.   I know I haven't been posting on my blog much about mom, but that is because she is a pretty private person and preferred me not to.  Tonight, however, feels like the time to share my thoughts on her cancer. 

 In Beth Moore's study on Daniel, she presents three different answers to walking through the fire:

 fire.

• Scenario A: We can be delivered from the fire. Dividend? Our faith is built.
• Scenario B: We can be delivered through the fire. Dividend? Our faith is refined.
• Scenario C: We can be delivered by the fire into His arms. Dividend? Our faith is perfected.

     I know that, in direct answer to our prayers, God can reach down and immediately heal my mom. All glory would go to him, and He is more than able. I believe that with everything that I have. Two weeks ago, a family member and I agreed to pray specifically for disclosure. A prognosis from the doctors, information from my mom, we really wanted a clear answer and everyone on the same page. Just a few days later, our prayer was answered. Information came. I feel a peace about having received an answer and I believe that this time, God's answer is that my dear mom is going to have her faith perfected. She is terminal. I do not believe it will last very long. In fact, having witnessed my dad's decline in health with a 10 month long battle with pancreas cancer, I am absolutely comfortable praying that it won't be long. I don't want her to go!!! I cannot fathom a life without my mama. But how selfish of me to want her suffering to be prolonged so that I can get used to the idea!
     If I am completely honest, I admit that I wasn't very worried about this in the beginning. Concerned, yes. I felt like she was in for a tough battle. But Satan is wily. I am sometimes tricked into thinking I am safe because of what has already happened in my life. As if tragedy is a vaccine! "Got your tragedy shot?" "Check! I'm done." How foolish. But while I sometimes get caught off guard, I know that God is sovereign. His ways are not our ways. Where was I when He laid the foundations of the earth? I know He has a plan. I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. My mom is looking forward to seeing my dad. To seeing my son. But it is so hard to let her go.
     In some ways, it is truly a blessing to have lost someone before this because I know. I know God will carry me through. I know I won't become a bitter person; I will have joy again. That I can rejoice even in this.

More Camping Pics

 I snapped a few portraits while camping...

 My awesome mother-in-law, Gloria

 My handsome nephew, Carter

 My fav of him

 Sweet Ruckus Magoo

I am going to use this one as his 2 yr. portrait.  Love it!

Okay, this was not while camping, but I had to share.  

Oklahoma Camping Trip

We spent a long weekend up in the Oachita mountains of Oklahoma camping with Kyle's family.  With the Stringers, camping means trail riding horses everyday.  I had the best time.  I always really enjoy it, but it used to really take a lot out of me.  This is my first time to do this since my surgery and I felt awesome!  I would get up and hike with Seth and nephew Carter in the mornings and be ready to ride after that.  Blake was just in awe of everything.  He loved every minute.  Seth even rode on his own a couple of times and did really well - just around camp, though.

We actually got to see some fall color!  Can I just say that seeing Kyle on a horse - how well he works with them, not to mention how good he looks - was maybe 30% of why I married him?

 Carlton and Gloria - best in-laws ever!  Carlton bought me my own saddle!!  I love it.  Now, to get a horse... hopefully next year.

Kyle and his mini-me:

Seth burning a stick.  It was really cold the first night.  Well. It was in the 30's that night and that was plenty cold for me.  I live in San Antonio for a reason!  Even Dallas was too cold.  Thank you Auntie Sue for buying us that electric blanket for our wedding that we didn't register for, it has been used countless times.

Kyle's sister Kali has a miniature horse named Puddin'.  Oh. My.  The boys were in love.  Blake and Cullen were always on him.  Seth was a little big.

Any time you would go to get Cullen off, he would lean away and yell "Don't get me off!  Don't get me off!"   He would have slept there if possible.  By the way, don't you just love slack little baby muscles?  So cute.  I could just eat him.

Pedernales Falls Camping trip

First off, we went camping with our friends the Pattisons at Pedernales Falls State Park.  It was gorgeous!!  Even during extreme drought, when the falls aren't even flowing, there are still huge deep gorgeous pools of water that they inexplicably won't let you swim in.

You'll have to excuse different styles of the same photo.  I am having so much fun with Photoshop Elements.  For those of you who have Photoshop, or Elements are you aware of the FREE actions Pioneer Woman and Coffeeshop Blog offer?  They are amazing!  I have had and enjoyed PW's actions since last year, but I just downloaded about 15 actions off of Coffeeshop blog and am having fun playing around with them.

love the lens flare sunkissed look!

The falls from higher up

Do not be too harsh on our looks in this photo!  We have on no makeup and we all slept pretty horribly.    

We borrowed my parents tent since Leni and Nate don't have one, but we neglected to borrow tent poles.  So, Leni and I slept in the tent with all the kids.  Oh, did I mention I forgot a fan?  So hot.  Barely slept.  Cullen kept waking up b/c he was too hot also.  The men slept outside.  Preston and Seth slept in the trailer and when they woke up they woke Kyle up to tell them they were going on a bike ride.  Kyle looked at his watch b/c it was still dark and it was 3:45!!  They went back to bed.  Even without much sleep we had a wonderful time. We hiked and swam and listened to Nate play the guitar .

Cullen and Ruby mugging down. - PW's Lovely action

Sunkissed action from Coffeeshop