Friday, January 27, 2012

The Dreaded Post

Yes, it's been a long time since I've posted. It's because I've been procrastinating.  Seriously, who wants to blog about their mom dying?  Not this girl.  So I've been putting it off, but I do miss blogging and have lots to share, so I think it's time to bite the bullet and get it over with.  Mom died on December 19th of colon cancer.  She was diagnosed in May.  We remained hopeful of recovery until the fall.  It was a long grueling battle and she won.  She got the ultimate prize: rest with Jesus; complete sanctification.  To live is Christ, to die is gain.  She told me at Thanksgiving that she had tried her best to teach me how to live and now she was going to do her best to teach me how to die honorably.  And she did.  This is the last picture I took of her:

Yes, the photo is a little photoshopped.  I softened things up.  Mom was all for wrinkle softening...

Know what she's doing?  She's reading a book to Seth about dying.  She made it through without crying through only the help of the Holy Spirit, I'm sure.  What an amazing woman!  Seth seemed to think it was normal book time with Grammy.  Kids are so blissfully unaware sometimes.  On the other hand, his faith amazes me in its simplicity.  I have been a little concerned over his lack of reaction to Grammy's death.  He gets frustrated easily, but other than at the funeral, he hasn't cried.  So I was worried he was bottling things up.  The other day I talked to him and said, "Seth, you know it's okay to be sad that she's gone.  It's okay to cry or have bad days."  He looked at me, truly confused, and said, "Why would I be sad?  She's in heaven.  That's totally awesome!  She's with Jesus and Samuel, and Grandpa Bennett, and Grandear..." and he just went on and on about the adventures she was probably having.  And while I understand that the duality of  grieving her and being happy for her is fine and logical, his attitude really impressed me.

I saw people I hadn't seen in years at the services - so many people who love us and have impacted our lives.  It was wonderful to see them and such a shame that the only time all those people come together are weddings and funerals, and the family doesn't have enough time to visit with everyone at either!  It has been great to see so much of my family too.  What a blessing, and a rarity (and great parenting) that we all are healthy (emotionally), have healthy marriages and kids and all genuinely enjoy each other's company.  We love Chuck and are so grateful for him.  Things could have been really tense over Thanksgiving and the last 2 weeks when we were all there on and off.  But everything went smoothly and I was able to stay with her until the end.  I was asleep when she passed and so was Chuck.  Hospice told us that is the way people usually go - they want a little privacy at the end and tend to slip away when people leave the room!

I have so so so many flaws which I could list, but questioning God is not usually one of them.  But I am sorry to say I did that a little the day before she passed.  In a nutshell, we expected her to pass sooner than she did, and the thought that she was hanging on suffering was more than I thought I could bear.  So I had a little talk with God, and here's how it went down, very paraphrased (I couldn't remember an exact quote to save my life...):

me: Lord, Please take her.  Why haven't you taken her?  What can the purpose be?  I mean, I'm not questioning you...
Holy Spirit: Aren't you, though?
me: Just because I question doesn't mean I don't have faith
Holy Spirit: doesn't it?
me: Dang it! (because I know it's true).  I just don't understand...
Holy Spirit:  His ways are not your ways...
me:  But I can't do this!  It's too much!  I can't take it anymore!
Holy Spirit:  His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness... (in the tune of the Accapella song, if you must know)
me: Dang it!
Holy Spirit:  Trust His timing
me:  Fine! (sulkily).  Okay, okay, I'm trusting you.

And then I did.  I actively chose to put my faith in Him on this matter.  It's an action verb, not a state of being.  And then I was filled with his peace.  I felt soooo much better after my "Come to Jesus" talk.  Why do I think I know anything about anything?  Of course God had a plan.  He hadn't forgotten her.  And he took her home less than a day later.  And I was filled with such a profound sense of relief.  I am grieving.  I miss her and I have some bad days and feel pretty sorry for myself.  But mostly, I am relieved.  She's happy and healthy.  I'm not sure what prompted me to share that with you, it's confession time I guess!  Thank you for all the cards, flowers, text, phone calls, and love you have sent my way.  I really appreciate it.  I love the encouragement and have sorely needed it!  Many update posts coming soon!